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Noah's Journal  Been a while again. Yeah, surprise surprise... I wouldn't exactly say that a whole lot has been going on. It's a bit difficult to think of something to write about. Especially when that difficulty makes one question the whole reason for writing on here at all. If I were to just talk about what was going on in my life then I would probably bore you. If it didn't bore you, then there is probably something wrong with you. I personally don't find my life boring at all, but I just have the suspicion that it would sound that way if I wrote it down. So why in the world would you want to know anything about my life in the first place? Why should you care what I have to say? Do you actually want to know about what I think of some new movie or album? Perhaps you'd like to read about the laptop I bought off ebay. Or how about the fact that I recently cut my hair. Ooh, I bet you can only imagine the excitement. How about I talk about my various inhibitions as if that's not getting redundant. There's a point here, I'm sure of it. I could go on another philosophical rant, but this might already be that rant. Almost a little self defeating. The only things that really seem worth writing about are things to bitch about. And why should you care what I have to bitch about? I am but a mere picture and a page full of words. I'm not sure that I can actually express myself clearly in those terms. I know I can't. So why should I try? What's my motivation? I'm really looking for it, but I can't find it. I enjoyed this at one time. I must have had some sort of inspiration then. Or I was delusional. Hmm... I think I'm voting for delusional. Even if not, it's always healthy to consider the possibility. I'll be around. It's the absurdity of it. That's kind of the point. Hey, what's up? How ya doin', how ya been? That's great, me too. Blah blah blah.... Excuse me, where are my manners? Well what's on my mind... Hmmm... Mikes been kind of annoying me lately. He's all grabby with other peoples stuff and really pushy with his opinion. I've just been ignoring him a lot lately which I think is aggravating him. He really needs to learn some social skills. I finally got my seasonal cold. I was wondering when it was going to come. Always one in the summer and one in the winter. Got some Daytime (generic Dayquil). Hmmm.... I got a bunch of snotty tissues. I could take pictures of them and post them up here. Hmmm... nah... Oh, I added learn German to my list of resolutions for this year. I borrowed the Rosetta Stone language program from a friend of mine. This is what the U.S. government uses to train diplomats (or so I've heard). It tries to teach you a language like you learn your first language. No translations. It even goes so far as having voice recognition so you can speak back to it. I need to get a new microphone to use that feature because somehow I keep end up breaking all my microphones. I'm through the first of two units of listening. German is easy. It almost just sounds like a bunch of slurred english. I think part of what created the nazis is the German language. It just kind of sounds like a violent language. That's kind of why I want to learn it. So when I get angry I can bitch at people in German. That will be cool. I've just been messin with the violin. Just noise, no music. Kind of a cool noise, though. I think so, anyway. The first thing I want to learn is a sad little song so when I see something sad happen I can pull out my violin and play a sad little song. That's what we call motivation. I'll have reached my goal when I can bring a tear to someone's eye. Bleed motherfucker, bleed... I've added a new drug to my list of what haves and trieds and dids. LSD my brother my sister my friends. To see it you must move sideways. I'd go there myself if I knew how to go sideways, too. If you'll notice (if you may) that the world you see (the one in front of me) is made of clay (in a way)... Yep, I tried some acid. Actually I've tried it three times now. The first two being half "hits" and the last being a full "hit". I didn't really get that major of an experience any of these times. The coolest thing I saw was the door in the kitchen that's full of tiny holes from darts was bleeding white blood out all the tiny holes. I knew why it was bleeding so it wasn't scary. I've watched 3 documentaries on LSD and read quite a bit about it before ever considering trying it. The only real danger with it is you reacting bad to it. As long as your in a safe environment and you feel relaxed and you know what is going on, then you should be alright. I'd probably also say that it helps to have a more scientific view of the world, too. LSD makes juggling much easier. Trails. I just put my hand at the bottom of the arch. But see, it's not just trails behind the balls, but in front of them, too. My brain is predicting the arch by how the ball leaves my hand. Beautiful. It wasn't the religious experience I'm always hearing about, but it was interesting. Not really anything negative at all. Just a temporary twanging of your mind. I never stopped feeling like "me". The only drug I've ever taken that ever felt like it removed "me" is alcohol. And it takes lot's of alcohol. More alcohol than I thought I could consume and don't remember consuming, but obviously did. Yeah, but alcohol is the legal one. Heh. Everything will be alright when were all living on Ganymede. Amazing things will happen. Just you wait. Or if you think you can, then make them happen. Current music: Murray Head - One Night in Bangkok. Okay so it's been a while again. Surprise, surprise. A new update for the new year seems appropriate, though. I really just haven't been in the writing mood in a while. I kind of have a hard time putting any significant effort towards something that I do not foresee as having some desirable outcome. I'm not really sure what sort of outcome I actually expect from writing here. I suppose there may be some sort of personal satisfaction that I get from it. I'm not as stressed out as I used to be so that automatically reduces my motivation to write. It does help me to be able to look at my own perspective from slightly outside. Kind of like sticking your head out the window just to look back in through it. More and less and a lot of the same. Let's see. What's new, what's new... Hmmm... As far as college is concerned I still haven't decided what I'm doing. I haven't applied to anywhere yet and a few deadlines have already passed. My main reason for this is that my student loans from ONU and Defiance are long passed due and I'm not sure how that will affect me getting new loans. Uncertainty and procrastination are my worst enemies. Another reason for my putting off the whole college thing is trying to figure out what my real reasons for wanting to go are. I've pretty much decided that the whole Princeton idea was mostly due to the prestige that would come with it. There's this conflict of whether my ego is based mostly on how I see myself or how others see me. I honestly don't believe that there is really anything Princeton can offer me that a lot of other schools can do just as well. And I bet people are real snotty there anyway. Excuses, excuses... The deadline is passed for this coming fall anyway. Same goes for Vanderbilt. I could still Apply to Ohio State. I was thinking about that. I do actually kind of like Columbus (compared to Cincinnati, anyway). It would be cheap. Cheap is good. So what am I actually sacrificing for cheap? As far as I know, not that much. Hmmm... Eh, if I don't like it then I'll just transfer. Right. So that's what I should do. At least just apply before the deadline. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Good for me. Hmm... Maybe I'm forgetting something. I've been turking for money lately. Been a bit slow the past few weeks. Was actually pretty lucrative there for a while. Hopefully it will pick up again. Good things can come from this. My previous years resolution to learn to juggle 5 balls is more or less successful. I can get a pretty good juggle going, but then it falls apart after about 20 seconds. I'll keep working on it. I want to get it to where I can sustain the juggle for a couple minutes. I'd say that's no more than a couple months away. I can do a few different tricks with 3 balls now. I'm a lot more proficient with 3 clubs/knives, too. I need to make a video to put on here. Then I can kind of chronicle my progress. I'm not making any juggling goals for this year. That was for last year. I'll still keep working on it, though. So now I guess it's time to come up with some more resolutions for the new year. I'm going to learn to walk on my hands. I've been working on the handstand part. I can only balance for about ten seconds before I fall over. I can do about twenty handstand push-ups so supporting myself isn't a problem. I'm learning how hard it is to balance when the intuitive part of you isn't at the top of the pole anymore. I'll get it. I am also planning on learning to play the violin. I'm not sure what I actually mean by "play", but we'll just have to see how this one turns out. I already bought a violin off ebay. It's glossy black and cost 50 bucks. Not too bad of a violin considering the price. Made of all the same materials as the expensive ones. Seems to have a decent sound. This should be interesting. I got all this time on my hands. I might as well learn some skills. I'll be around... Happy birthday, America!!! I've been going back and forth on my college goals. I keep arguing in my head whether it's worth my time and effort to try and get into Princeton considering how hard it is to get accepted there. Basically it's the three SAT subject tests that I'll have to take. It's the only school that I would apply to that requires that many subject tests. And if I want to apply early decision, then I'm going to be rushed to take those tests. I'm still planning on trying for it, but my confidence slips a lot. I've also been heavily contemplating Pomona College in Claremont, CA. Pomona looks really good just from what I've read about them on the Princeton Review. They're rated number one for happy students and pretty damn good on a lot of other lists. I've been working on getting out of this mentality of being afraid to go very far from Franklin. I could really go for some nice weather and I hear California tends to have nice weather. It's a festering pile of stink in Ohio right now. I think Pomona only requires two SAT subject tests. My thoughts are that, because Pomona is almost as hard to get into as Princeton, I might get two subject tests out of the way and apply early decision to Pomona instead of Princeton. Then I'd have a little more time to get a third subject test taken and maybe even retake the the full SAT (I could use a better reading score and I still think I can get a perfect on the math). Then depending on what Pomona's decision is I could apply to Princeton by their regular deadline. I'd also apply to Vanderbilt as my ...oh what do you call it...fallback school, or something. Safety, that's it. I think they call it a safety school. Whatever. I'm pretty sure I would get accepted at Vanderbilt, although I suppose I can't be positive on that. I'm going to have to write a letter to all of these schools to explain why my past college record sucks so bad and hopefully get all that stricken from the record. Or something... So it's almost like throwing a dart at a dartboard as to where I'm going to be going. East coast, west coast, or Tennessee. I've been trying to encourage a few of my other friends to try and get into college. My thougths are that even if they can't get into the same school as me, then they could go to a nearby school (especially if I go to one of the coasts). I was trying to get Bill to run away to California with me. He was actually contemplating it. He only has a GED, but might be able to get a decent score on the SAT if he gave it a try. He won't, though. I know it. I suppose I could be wrong, though. And let's see....Jim, Kevin, Spoon, and Ben are never going to college. Jim went to Wright State for a year and didn't return for a second year and doesn't seem to have the intention of ever returning. Ron, Bill, Joe, and John all seem to have some sort of slight lean towards furthering their education, but I think they all think it's a more complicated process than it actually is. Not to imply that furthering your education requires college (especially in this day and age and even more so in the future), but college will give you that ever so important little piece of paper that says that you've been properly institutionalized and are obedient enough to begin being a tool for the system. One of those sad but true scenarios. Whatever. That piece of paper can open doors that otherwise would stay locked. So I guess I might be able to suck up my pride long enough to give whoever the impression that I'm a desirable product. Then I'll find Noam Chomsky and kick him in the balls if he has any. More about that idea of selling out to my brother. This was actually a suggestion made by my mom. Since Tyler has good credit and mine is shit and it would be best for both of us if one sold his half of the house to the other. Tyler could get a loan for probably $30,000 or $35,000 and buy me out for $25,000 (which is less than my half is worth) and then have some left over to improve upon the house. As long as Tyler still had ownership of the house, I wouldn't completely feel like I was parting with it. I could then have a great start on my plan to get the hell out of this festering stink. I would probably buy a car in the $5000 range and try to save and/or invest the rest. If I was at college, then my expenses would be relatively low so I wouldn't have to worry about all that money being drained by housing, utilities, food, etc. Then I could, after some heavy research, invest a large piece of that money in various stocks. If I play my cards right, then I'd have a significant amount of money ready for me by the time I graduated. Of course I could also lose a lot of it, too. There's always risk. An alternative plan would be to take that money and buy a run-down house, fix it up, and sell it for profit. Then, depending how well that goes, repeating that process. I'm pretty confident in my construction skills and can do almost anything required to fix up a house if given the right materials and tools(sometimes I can even do it with the wrong tools). There's also the possibility of mixing those two plans together. We'll see.... Current music: Dredg - Sang Real. Well Rodger is gone but half his stuff is still here. Typical. Now Mike is contemplating moving in again because he's getting aggravated living with his mom. I'm completely indifferent. Mike can discuss it with Tyler. I don't have a whole hell of a lot to do with the house finances lately, anyway. I've been toying with the idea of selling my half of the house to Tyler if he could get a loan. His credit is a pretty damn good so it's pretty likely he could get a loan. Tyler and I really do need to go our seperate ways. I love my brother, but we're very different people. I really appreciate his patience with me over the bills, but it's not as if there isn't compromises. Some of those compromises make me uncomfortable. I don't think I'm at liberty to discuss it further. Mike and I finally ended up discussing our SAT scores. He kicked my ass in reading almost as bad as I kicked his ass in math. Good. We're probably not going to end up going to the same college, though. All in all, we're looking for different things. That's alright. I'd just like for more of my friends do something with their lives even if I'm not there to see it. I don't understand not having ambition in life. You only get one chance, so don't you want to make the most of it? I still wonder how I'm going to end up reacting if I get this next college attempt working. I was confident in my ability to adapt last time with Defiance and we saw how that turned out. I really wish I had someone that I already know to come to college with me. Someone to prevent me from just locking myself up in my dorm room. It's not as if I have a hard time making friends. I made a decent number of friends at Defiance and was well liked. I pledged to a fraternity (phi sigma chi) and then decided that it was pointless after I decided I wasn't going to continue attending Defiance. They wanted me to continue pledging anyway because I'm apparently really cool or something. I could have hung out with people more, but I didn't. I just felt uncomfortable with it for some reason. It's hard to explain. It's not necessarily a lack of desire. That's the reason most of the time I don't want to hang out with people, but it's definitely not the only reason. There is still that ever present fear. . . . whatever.... If things go well I'll have a car within a couple weeks. That will be a relief. No more having to borrow Tyler's Jeep Cherokee. All things in time...... I hate anticipating things. I obsess over things. It seems very possible that I could be delusional about a lot of things. And the worst part is that I'm to damn chicken shit to go out on a limb and confirm certain things. Hopefully, all things in time..... ...sigh... So Rodger is finally moving out of my house. Good timing, too. I was just starting to think of ways to kill him. We get on each others nerves a lot and pretty much consider each other more like brothers than friends. Rodger and Kevin got an apartment together above a tanning salon. The possibilities from that almost make me laugh. This should be an interesting experience for the both of them. Mostly for Kevin, though. I'm still looking into what colleges I may be interested in attending. I still like Princeton best, but I'm well aware of how hard it is to get into there. I'm planning on applying early decision in November since that will improve my chances. The only problem with the early decision is that I still need to take three (I though it was two before, but apparently I was incorrect) SAT II subject tests by then and there's only one (maybe two) test dates before then. I'm not sure if I can take three subject tests in one day (not sure I want to either). The subject tests are only an hour long, but I'm not exactly sure how they arrange them for taking multiple ones. It may be possible to take one of the math tests (I haven't figured out which would be best yet) and the physics test on the October 8 date and then one of something else (I was thinking chemistry) on the November 5 date. The early decision for Princeton is November 1, but the latest they say you can take the subject tests for early decision is the November 5 test date. Back when I was in high school and looking into colleges I was mostly just doing what other people told me I needed to do. My mom was doing most of my college stuff for me (not because I asked, but because she loves to do stuff like that). I really didn't have much of a clue as to what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I always felt I would be an engineer of some sorts and went back and forth between thoughts of chemical, electrical, or bio-genetic engineering. Mainly I just picked whatever I thought would be the most challenging. My impression of engineering after being in it for a quarter and a half at ONU led me to believe that, yes, it is challenging, but more tedious than anything. I also was not impressed much with ONU's engineering facilities. I only chose ONU because my brother was already going there. It seemed safe. I knew my grades and ACT scores would get me in there no problem. I figured I'd just be a big fish in a little pond, I guess. If I had really known what I wanted to do back then and had the internet hook up that I have now, then I probably would have made a lot more effort in my college searches. I don't really have a good excuse for Defiance. I think I just wanted to get away. I tried to act serious about going to college then, but I think I was using it more as an escape than for the education. It's not as if it was a completely worthless experience, though. I'm done with this big fish/little pond complex I have. I know a lot of other people are the same way. I got used to being around people that weren't as smart as me and I kind of liked always being thought of as a really intelligent person by comparison. There's definitely this fear of being just one of the many smart people. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of intelligent people, but they are still a small minority compared to the amount of dumbasses I know. I've had multiple low level jobs that force me to work with a lot of dumbasses. That is one of my biggest apprehensions to getting a job. The main problem isn't really the dumbasses I have to work with, but the dumbasses I have to work for. I have a major problem when I'm doing something a certain way at a job and the manager tries to tell me that I'm doing it wrong even though I'm not making any mistakes and I'm actually getting it done faster than most (if not all) other people there. I hate being payed less than somebody whose worked there for years and is far less efficient than me. Obedience seems to pay better than competence. The same seems to go for high school and even college. I'm hoping things will be different if I set my standards higher this time. I want to go to a college where I can actually have intelligent conversations with my fellow classmates. I don't want it to feel like high school all over again like ONU and Defiance did. Another problem I have is that most of the top schools are on the east and west coasts. There are a lot of good schools in California that I've pretty much ignored so far because it just seems so far away. East coast isn't really that far I guess, but still a lot farther than I've gone before. I feel like too much of a part of me is in this house to leave it that far behind for that long. Not that Tyler wouldn't take good care of it. It's my fortress and I'm afraid to leave it. I have a problem staying in unfamiliar places for extended periods of time. It would help if I had somebody to go with me to college. Mike had a big part with getting me thinking about college again. We were talking about going to the same college so we would already know somebody there before we started. That would be a much more comfortable situation, but I'm not sure Mike can get into some of the schools that I can. He took the SAT on the same day that I did, but I haven't asked him what his scores are yet because I'm not sure that's really in good taste to ask somebody what their scores are. I don't really want to appear like I'm shoving my scores in his face if he didn't do as well. But then again, he could have done really well and be thinking the same thing. He's pretty damn smart as well and I know he's capable of some good scores. His biggest problem is that his grades in high school sucked. He was ranked somewhere past 100 out of a little more than 200 students (and Franklin isn't exactly a very competitive school). I always thought of myself as a slacker, but he blew me away as far as that goes. He seems to be able to keep down a job a lot better than me, though. I'd really hate to go back on our idea to go to the same school because he can't get into the same colleges as me, but I'm no going to let anything hold me back this time. I know he would leave me behind if put in the same position, so I'm not going to feel guilty if I'm forced to do it. I still have what I consider to be some underlying emotional problems. I feel like I've gotten better over the years, but there's still plenty of work left to do. I've been without female contact for so long I'm not sure what I would do around a chick that I was actually attracted to. Not that I ever knew what to do around chicks that I'm attracted to. I really had to laugh in that scene in "A Beautiful Mind" where John Nash is courting the one chick and says "I find you very attractive. Your assertiveness tells me that you feel the same way about me. But ritual remains that we must do a series of platonic actions before we can have intercourse. But all I really want to do is have sex with you as soon as possible." I'm not sure I'd even have the balls to say something like that to a chick, but I definitely understand what he's getting at. I see some guy and chick flirting with each other and it's obvious what each of their intentions are, but they continue with the pointless flirtation. It usually has very little to do with getting to know the other person and more to do with getting into their pants. I am definitely one to encourage getting to know somebody before having sex with them, but most people really don't have even the slightest understanding of the mind behind the body they are fucking. A lot of people that have been in relationships for a while seem to have only a small understanding of the other person. This isn't always the case, of course, but it is very common. And it bothers me. If you're just fucking to get off then whatever, but don't pretend that it's love. It cheapens what real love is. Or maybe I'm just delusional and missing something. Sex is a weakness that almost all of us share. It would be nice to share that weakness in the open and admit to it being a weakness. I think a lot more chicks are aware of that than guys and use it to their advantage. I hate when other guys strut about the chicks they've fucked as if there is some virtue in it. And of course I'm viewed as pathetic because I'm a twenty-four year old virgin and they assume that it's because I can't get any. The simple truth is that I'm not attracted to any of those chicks they fucked. I see it as more of those guys giving in to a weakness they have. Not all that different from a nocotine addict paying his last three dollars for a pack of cigarettes that will only be a temporary relief. Of course there's also the view of sex being about having control of another person. But, of course, the only reason there is control is because it is taking advantage of a weakness. There is no virtue in giving in to weaknesses blindly, or taking control of others through them. But, of course, unlike nicotine, the urge for sex will never go away no matter how much you avoid it. The best option is a safe outlet. That's why finding the right chick for me is so important. Without a libido I wouldn't care about finding a chick at all. But I do have a libido and it ain't going nowhere. I have various paraphernalia on my computer that helps me through right now, but it does wear thin. It's still a better option to me than getting involved with a chick that I know I'm going to have problems with down the road. I generally make that assessment about a chick pretty quick. Not that I'm looking down on them, but that I have a lot of particulars that need to be filled and they seem to be rare. I have a good body so I want a chick with a good body. I am smart so I want a chick that is smart. I want a chick that can at least have some understanding of my emotional troubles and vice versa. I want a chick that is independent and doesn't need me, but wants me. I want a chick that isn't embarrassed by my eccentricities and has a few of her own. I want a chick that is as perfectly loyal to me as I would be her. I want a chick that will love me like I would love her. I want her loyalty to be based on that love and not fear. I want a chick that isn't afraid to express herself. I want a chick that wants more out of life than mere existence. I want a lot, don't I? I just got my new SAT scores. Here's the breakdown: Critical Reading 650 Math 760 Writing 610 Not bad at all. I don't know why I didn't do better on the reading section, though. As a physics major I doubt that writing score will affect me much. I've heard rumors that a lot of the top schools don't give it much credence anyway. The essay section is really stupid and I've heard that your grade on it is directly proportional with how much space you manage to fill up. I am a bit lopsided with the math, aren't I? I don't care. The math is definitely the most important to me and my major. A 760 is at least slightly better than the average student at any school in the nation according to CollegeBoard's statistics with the exception of Caltech and MIT (which it's still plenty well good enough for). I'm going to apply to Princeton. Yeah that's right, I said Princeton. I've been researching a lot of the top schools lately and Princeton is by far and away my top choice. My reading and writing scores may affect me, but I doubt that much since I'm going into physics. I'm pretty sure that if I can explain my situation and past history to Princeton admissions that they will be able to look past my horrible college record so far (which technically isn't really much of a record considering I only finished one quarter out of three colleges). I've actually got pretty good excuses for a lot of the low points of my past academic history. I like to think the high points will overshadow those. I took every honors class my high school had to offer except AP English IV and Spanish V. I was involved in Science Olympiad, Academic Team, Ohio Math League, Honors Society, spring musicals, varsity golf, concert and marching band, special mixed choir, etc. My grades in high school weren't anything incredible, but definitely not bad. I was ranked 32 out of like 210 when I graduated (which was a drop from 16 at the beginning of my junior year; I had a lot of shit raining down on me my senior year). All in all I think I got a pretty damn good chance of getting into Princeton. And what's better yet is that Princeton guarantees that if you get accepted they will make sure that you can afford to go there. Since the 01-02 academic year, no Princeton financial aid student has been required to take out a loan. Wow. I still owe about $3000 on loans from ONU and Defiance. Score range of middle 50% of first year students at Princeton(according to collegeboard): SAT reasoning verbal (equivalent to the new critical reading section) 680-770 SAT reasoning math 690-790 That almost makes me want to take the SAT again just to get my reading score into that range. I don't think I'll need it, though, and I really don't want to take the SAT again. I still think I can do even better on the math, but my 760 will still carry me very nicely. I need to take the physics and math SAT II subject tests now. What fun. The testing never ends. Even if I can't get into Princeton for whatever reasons, these new scores have definitely opened up new options for me. There's always the lesser Ivies (Harvard and Yale can go fuck themselves; from what I've read about them, anyway). I'm not really interested in the tech schools like Caltech and MIT because I don't think they'll offer the diversity I want. And there's still also Vanderbilt, which is still a very nice school. Vanderbilt has the advantage of being in a much more desirable location for me. I much prefer mountains and a warmer climate to New Jersey, but I don't think I could possibly pass on the opportunity to attend Princeton. Okay, I'll say it one more time; PRINCETON!!!! ...physics...yay...physics........ Current mood:  hopeful.
So I was in Tennessee and North Carolina from Friday till Monday. My mom and I went to visit my aunt Elaine. My mom hates driving long distances and offered to pay my way the whole time if I drove. Good deal. Especially since I don't seem to have a whole lot of other obligations. My mom and I get along well as long as I don't owe her money. It wasn't all that eventful of a trip as far as just visiting my aunt. The most interesting thing we did was visit the Biltmore mansion. That place is insanely regal. Just one of the chairs in that place would probably buy my house. Not only is every inch of it expensive, it's a lot of inches. The largest private home in America to be exact. Of course it's just a tourist attraction now, but it's kind of cool to go through it and imagine what it was like when the Vanderbilts would throw parties and people could actually move relatively freely through it and actually touch stuff. We also visited the winery on the estate (which claims to be the most visited winery in the nation). A day pass to the house gets you into the winery and lets you participate in a wine tasting. That was pretty cool. I felt all high class or something. We also visited Bays Mountain Park. We walked around the nature center, gandered at some wildlife habitats, and hiked all around the lake. I didn't really get a chance to do any of the more hardcore hiking that I like to do (that would involve actually leaving the trail) because my mom can't really handle that. It was still nice, though. Good to get away. Here's some pictures I took with my phone. |
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